I’m holding myself in. Controlling all the tears in my eyes, making sure that there’s not even a single drop of tear falling out. I’m trying to be strong. ‘Cause now I truly understand that I don’t really have real friends, the ones who really understands me & care for me. The friends that I have now are just friends who are there for me when there’s school stuff or some other work-related shit. I don’t have any friend who could tell if I’m down. A friend who would give me a huge warm hug that indirectly tells me that he/she would be there for me no matter what happens. A friend who would do anything to make me feel better. A friend who jokes, laughs, cries, and do whatever together with me. In other words, I don’t really have a best friend in my life.
Sometimes I wonder if anybody hates my character. I would always conclude that everybody does find me annoying in a way or another. I don’t know how to explain to them that I didn’t mean to irritate them or anything. I wasn’t trying to fake myself. I was just being me. I would change myself to be a better socially accepted person if I could. But things didn’t worked that way after I’ve tried to change a million times.
I think I’m trying to hard just to get noticed. Okay so the story of my life is that, I’m a girl who is almost invincible. Honestly, I can’t really think of anybody who would really really hate me, but at the same time, I don’t think I can think of anybody who actually acknowledge me at all times. As long as I have lived, I feel as if I’m not remembered. That I was just there like a prop in someone’s life & not a character. I don’t know how else am I suppose to describe how I feel at the moment. To summarize them all, I just feel very……. Invincible?
This is, by far, the longest post for this blog. When I’m down, I tend to type out a lot random shits about how I feel. I get too sentimental when typing out this kinda posts. Trust me, whatever I just typed are instantaneous & written out of floods of emotions. I may not be thinking straight at this point of time caz I’m being too emotional. Maybe my thoughts here are stupid & not true. But yeah, I’m feeling drunk right now.